did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
