He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
