I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
