..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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