there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
