and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
