she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
