apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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