I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
