I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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