Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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