White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
