Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
