Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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