I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
