The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Randomize
