billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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