tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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