just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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