I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You need a sexual gate keeper
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Randomize
