No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
