So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
