but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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