remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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