I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
