I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
