my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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