Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
