I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize