the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
The Olympian is in my bed
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
