i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I just googled if crying burns calories
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
