hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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