I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
