My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
