New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
