The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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