dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
