I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
