Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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