I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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