I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
