Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
