it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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