I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
