It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
