my phone needs a breathalizer
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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