The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
