Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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