He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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