There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
