This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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