im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
