Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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