why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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