so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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