someone threw a dead crab at me
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
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