I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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