I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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