my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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