im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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