I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
