can we get nightvision for the apartment?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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