I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
