Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
it's great music for shaving your balls
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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