today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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